(This is mostly a personal, rather than a political, post, despite the title. And yes, I do realize how ironic/WTF/whatever it is to have Tyrion for an icon in a post about asexuality, but I found it slightly more fitting than the Magneto icon, so yeah.)
There's a person on Facebook that I really should defriend, or rather have defriended a month and a half ago. (and already people know that this story is going nowhere good...). I know this bro from the local chapter of Autistic Self Advocacy Network. He attends for no reason I can tell, as he's not particularly interested in autistic rights or disability politics. For whatever reason - possibly because I have been polite enough not to tell him to shove off, he's latched onto me, and keeps talking to me on Facebook. Aside from making bad puns about my name and stuff, which is annoying in and of itself, he was talking and asking a lot of questions about my facial deformities, my voice and why I hadn't done anything to change them. Even with having no tact or verbal filter, he'd sort of fucked off about that for the last little while after I'd explained about it, so I was giving him another chance, though still holding him at arm's length.
Tonight, the guy was talking (again...) about wanting to find a girlfriend. Thankfully, there were no more questions from him on what neurotypical women might think of him if he approached them (a question that for several reasons I cannot answer with any accuracy, two of these reasons - my asexuality and my being Autistic - being ones he is aware of). Guy gets to talking - thankfully in vague terms - about having fantasies about what he wants girls to act like around and do with him. All pretty... meh, "normal" sounds legitimizing, but it was commonplace, stereotypical-straight-guy-sounding stuff. Internally, I'm going into "Am I skeeved out because this is actually sexist, or am I just being a sex-negative asexual hating on regular straight relationships and gender roles?" So I respond pretty neutrally, along the lines of "Eh, not my thing, but whatever floats your boat."
And then he responds with the following quote: "Your unusual mouth doesn't really do it for me but I respect you a great deal for having the courage to assert that your abnormal mouth is a part of who you are and that you wish to resist other people's advice to get it fixed." He goes on to talk about how we can't all be hot celebrities, and I have brains that I'm going to do stuff with, and it's just incredibly backhanded and unpleasant. I eventually just fucked off.
I've struggled for a while with the following issue: As a person with disabilities (visible and invisible) and an asexual, I do pretty well in practice under a cultural assumption that people with disabilities are asexual, or at least nonsexual, beings. And yet, it annoys me. Usually it's only an abstract concern, but this kind of thing is why it pisses me off. I don't want to be thought of in sexual ways by this guy or, really, anyone else. It makes me uncomfortable, in part because I'm asexual and in part because of other ways that I am pretty sure the way in which I imagine myself would conflict with how others would imagine me, especially in a sexual context. But his way of thinking (and possibly most people's, if my extrapolation is that most people have pretty much the same view of me except don't come right out and say it is correct) is that I don't get to avoid being the object of misplaced sexual desire out of respect for my being asexual or because someone just doesn't think of people in a creepy, objectifying manner, but because people like me - that is to say, people with visible disabilities - are inherently and squarely in the Do Not Want category. It feels a little petty of me to make this kind of distinction, like I'm saying I want something to be offended over, but it bothers me, as a matter of principle and because of what it means for my chances of finding a close non-sexual relationship of any kind (given that most people experience and rely on aesthetic attraction).
I'm actually pleasantly surprised that this didn't outright trigger me. I've had a pretty bad time of it this week, especially on Monday (suffice to say that my therapist had to talk me into going to the emergency room and I was pleasantly surprised that I had no problem getting out of there) because of a combination of personal and school/work stress, and I'm pretty sure that the only reason this didn't set me off is because I'm just too damn tired. I've been having a lot of problems around realizing that my personal life's in all likelihood never going to be what I want it to be (finding someone who actually likes and wants - isn't just settling for, but actively wants - a geeky, repulsed asexual, Autistic person with visible facial deformities, among other things, for a nontraditional, most likely queerplatonic relationship? Yyyyeah, good luck with that, self) and also that the substitute I imagined for myself - being able to excel pretty much automatically with my natural writing, analytical and writing skills and by devoting the large majority of my energy to my work - is not going to work out as cleanly as I thought, if at all... namely, if I can't even find someone to hire me. The "you're automatically unattractive on account of being abnormal, but you have brains" thing really isn't comforting right now, because as far as I see, I'm failing both in making and maintaining the kind of close connection I'm looking for AND at getting any kind of results by using my intelligence and skills, so that framework no longer works. This just further reinforces in my head that one of those two is clearly out of reach, and given that I've been feeling especially hopeless about the other this week, it's really actually not awesome that this happened.
Other stuff has happened/is happening soon. Some of it good, others (especially one thing, that's probably at least to some extent underlying a lot my stress right now) not so much. I might write about that later.